The Heaviness of Breathing: A testament of forlorn hope

After years of hard work, unspeakable sacrifices, and no positive results, in November 2018 I had a few weeks of total despair. 
Because I was unable to move forward, a had the impulse to write down all that I was thinking and thought in the past. 

The Heaviness of Breathing: A testament of forlorn hope is possibly the worst book ever written and I don't recommend anyone to read it.
Yet, I know for sure that many would relate to most of my depressing thoughts.

This is a very bad self-publicity for an author who takes pride in her self-help books.
But if you think about it, what person is more entitled to write a self-help book than someone who fell and failed massively? 

Despite the countless setbacks, I am determined to succeed in my writing career. 

This wasn't the first time I fell with a crash, but this is the first time when I got up so fast. 
My crawling, utter despair and self-pity lasted only for a couple of weeks. 
It was a highly intensive fall, but I fought against it by writing without refrain everything I felt and thought. 
Some of my darkest thoughts scared me to death, but more than that they made me feel ashamed and extremely guilty. 
I have legs, hands and I hear, speak, walk. Why in the hell do I feel so desperate? 

Never mind. 

I don't expect people to buy and read my book, although that would make me happy. 
But what kind of book is it? 
Is it a memoir, a diary, an autobiography or what? 

I don't know. 
It's what you want it to be. 
In my (twisted) mind, is a motivational work. 

The Heaviness of Breathing: A testament of forlorn hope

The following is the book description from Amazon. You'll notice many contradictions in it. 
But are they really? 
'This is the worst story ever written, an endless journey of a forlorn hope
The darkest thoughts of a hopeless author, the fears, the blindness of the mind, the self-sabotage and self-destruction feelings are all exposed without refrain. 

Phobias, guilt, the sense of not belonging, the imposter syndrome, worthlessness, emptiness, hopelessness, are all devastating emotions that many of us know well. 

"To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow..." Andy Williams

What about aphantasia? 
Picturing images in the mind is a supernatural power, a key to success, that not all humans possess.

Can you see the light at the end of the tunnel? 
I can't right now. 
How do I get out?  

I am the master of my destiny.'

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